Saturday, December 3, 2011

starved. short story:

I couldn't help it. There was just this tragic sadness that was beautiful inside him.  When I looked; and I mean really looked. I saw my broken self in him.  I fell in love with my sadness and it made my suffering more real.
     I was blatently rejected and it hurt my ego(or at least what was left of it.) I truly was trying to redeem myself.  Pick up his pieces and maybe in turn(vicariously) my own shattered glass would be pieced back together and perhaps make up the exposed window that was there before.
    I don't know what it is...but I don't want to be normal; whatever that may mean.  I don't want someone who's whole I want someone broken like me.  Someone who knows what it feels like to be in intense pain; the pain where you can't stand to live.  Someone who "gets" it.  Someone who suffers to live. Someone who understands that weight..the weight of not being accepted and not wanting to be.  Fitting into "normalcy;" feeling rejected even by the rejects. Not being a part of the societal pressure of what it is to be successful.
   People who want to understand; they can't , no matter how hard they try.  What you feel is not their reality. It shouldn't ever be and it won't ever be. They will sympathize, empathize; but have no idea what it is to be you.  It never is enough. They will never be able to relate.  They go back to their own lives when they leave. AND they leave. Sometimes they leave marks on your soul that you can't ever erase.
   I try not to let people in anymore.  Trying to wash walls away with soap and water when in actuality you need a bulldozer or gasoline to burn or break them down but you don't have the means to access those products so you try with the soap and are unsuccessful because that will never work.  You put in so much work, so much of yourself and it never pays off.  You see no results.  Although you know you are going about it all the wrong, you can't seem to access what you really need. So you continue. You continue to struggle with the soap and water because that's the only way you can. The walls only grow dull and the paint is starting to dissipate but you know it will take you forever to make the whole wall disappear, till it's nothing. Till you see the skeleton of what makes it up.
    It's hard to let someone come into your world especially when it's as strange as mine.
I did. We tore down some of those walls.
Then we built new ones.