Friday, April 8, 2011


You know a week or so(quite possibly less or more since I really don't have any concept of time anymore)ago someone told me:
   "25 is the most pivotal year for most people; you ask anyone and they'll tell you they grew up at 25."
  I responded by saying,"hmmmm is that so. Well, for me it's now it's my 23rd year," but you see I'm not most people as we all know. So I pryed,"Why was 25 so essential for you?"
  "I really grew up I found purpose I started doing what I loved. Maybe its different for girls since they mature faster. You're still young wait till your 25."
  I wanted to say,"Gender has nothing to do with it I've always had an extremely strong sense of self. Knowing who I am and what I stand for...that has nothing to do with my being of the fairer sex. I am not a girl I am a WOMAN," but instead he said,"do you know your purpose?"
   I said," Sure," in a very unsure way because I didn't want to come off as being insulted because I wasn't I just felt shut down. The conversation ended and we moved on from that subject matter. We should have continued it because I felt that I didn't have my Julia edge. I was nervous. Not nervous by the conversation just nervous by his beautiful face. I let him lead the conversation because this is where being a woman comes into play with men.
   I wanted to say," I have a strong sense of purpose," "I have a unique perspective on humanity due to my colorful experiences. I have lived and I still am. I'm sick of people playing me off like I don't know anything about anything or I'm young and fragile. I'm anything but. I'm in your face fucking rowdy ass living my life the only way I am able to. I am not a coward and I am not afraid of relationships or getting involved/breaking hearts/living reckless/selfishness/self-reflection. I'm all about learning. I have great insight into my own life which gives me the ability to have great insight to even a strangers life.I want to say things to my generation through my art and maybe even writing that makes even one person identify with my personal struggle and maybe have an idea or concept resonate with someone or inspire someone to create or just learn to deal.That it's okay it'll be okay.That is my purpose.Maybe I can create a ripple even if it's just a little one and then maybe over time it will effect someone I don't know I can't say but I'm still gonna try."
   I didn't say any of that though because I've been worried about being outrageously intimidating currently. I've realized that my opinions and realizations of reality bother many people. At a very early age I learned that I intimidated people and I have always suffered with friendship maintenance because people start to resent the fact that I'm a no BS type of person. I don't want to play games PERIOD. If I feel like I'm being used I walk away from that friendship/romance.  I don't like to mess around; not with my life, my heart, or anyone else's for that matter. I don't think its fun and I don't think uprooting peoples situations for sport is fun either. People affect me in such a huge way I'm very sensitive even though I try not to be it's my biggest weakness. I am deeply affected by others I can't stand that about myself. I also never go with my intuition anymore due to heavy training of myself...intuition is bullshit no one solved any problems with their intuition. My intuition jaded me for a long time it made me sad because I feel for the weak because I am weak so I let all these weakling sneaky cowards into my life because "deep down they're probably good," but unfortunately not all people are good people even if you want to believe they are and these days people are completely amoral and straight psychopathic. I'm not sure why but I seem to attract these kinds of  malicious gossips and vampires and because of that I see the world for what it is and humanity for what it is an ugly social pit of demise if you let the wrong people into your world. I have long stopped giving people the benefit of the doubt.
   I believe in loyalty. Primarily due to the fact that I seem to be the type of person that most people just fucking use and then leave. I've had so much tragedy in my life because I let these vacuums(Not that i'm implying my friend is a vacuum he's actually a really legit dude who I respect.)of people know things about me when they don't deserve to know those things and they use those insecurities of mine to manipulate and squash in order to keep you accessible to them. I think you should value the people who come into your life but if they are trying to sabotage you or don't realize life is the only absolute that this is all we have and it ain't no game son get rid of those people. Don't maintain superficiality it's not worth it.
    I have a weakness for the word,"LOVE," I feel people shouldn't fuck around with that word. I think people should value language. Love and Adore: any people who say those in excess about anything or anyone you stay away from. I learned somewhere that people who say I love you all the time to everyone don't value shit and also lack passion in their life I found that to be true for me in most relationships be it romantic or platonic. People really need to start looking those words up most people don't even realize what they really mean. If I tell you I love you I truly mean it.
   These days I keep myself very protected. I've been passionately hurt by many people who don't value themselves and or only value themselves but really have no value whatsoever therefore could never value me.Those people are and were foolish and I was a fool to let them in.
  A lot of people put on charades, put on masks and sometimes not even very pretty ones. They pretend to be something they aren't this is especially true for our generation; for my peer group. Mostly they are too dumb to even realize that they are doing this and when they realize that they are they are left empty and realizing they are a fraud and must keep up the fraudulant behavior and thats how their lives will always be. People my age don't value anything period. People my age have no respect for anything. No integrity. At least this is my experience. Its so so disheartening. It makes me cry and I become very depressed and retreat from society on many occasions. I soon come to realize that other people just suck in general and that I have to do whats good for me I am not gonna let this world trample on my soul and truth. It hasn't totally extinguished my flame yet although it's come close.
    "Everyone wants to be accepted"....not me. If acceptance means being part of all this vacuous nonsense I'd rather not.  I've tried to be a catty dumb bitch to fit in when I was doesn't work for me it always leaves me feeling ridiculous and makes the people who encourage that type of behaviour even more outrageous. 
  So this is what leads me back to 23 is the most pivotal year of my life thus far. I feel I realized a lot about myself and about the social nature of human beings and relationships. I suffered a mental breakdown and was hospitalized I've been through a lot. I feel I've progressed even more this year then ever and I will continue to progress. My definition of success changed and I stopped relying on silly ideals and cliches. I stopped letting other people define me I define myself. So I'm ultimately glad at the way the conversation with my friend went because it inspired me to realize I have to stop making excuses for other people I can't be afraid to say what I'm gonna say because it might not be acceptable or it might intimidate someone. If anything it should endear someone to me. RIGHT?
*forgive me for not being the most punctual person.